It comes without warning, illuminating the screens and holographic displays of all ApplePie devices, a ten minute preview of everything that is righteous, good, and smoking hot in the world--The Sword of Oarwind: The Movie.
The latest advancements in Glitter-Ray technology ensure the graphics are, simply put, orgasmic. The high definition is so high there should be an achievement for falling from it. And not to mention the state of the art--whoa! What was that?
Did you hear that?
That was the sound of like a bajillion panties dropping.
The latest advancements in Glitter-Ray technology ensure the graphics are, simply put, orgasmic. The high definition is so high there should be an achievement for falling from it. And not to mention the state of the art--whoa! What was that?
Did you hear that?
That was the sound of like a bajillion panties dropping.
The camera spans slowly over a golden afternoon in Stormwind. The city shines especially bright: cobble gleams, glass fronts sparkle, and the rich blue of the rooftops dazzles, singing proudly of the might and glory of the Alliance.
The inherent dignity of the stronghold is a majesty to behold. The musical score underlines the sentiment with just the right balance between gusto and artful restraint. As the shot tightens onto a pair of children darting through the bustling streets, violins staccato their footfalls as a single, fluttering flute melody traces their path.
The boy in hunter green and pigtailed girl in pink are the picture of perfect health. Rosy-cheeked and bright-eyed, they shout back and forth as they make chase.
“I have your dolly, nyah nyah!”
“I’m telling mommy!”
“Crybaby! Crybaby!”
As the children pick their way through the ruins of the old Park, the orchestra screeches to a halt, a sour note lingering as a vast shadow looms over the children. The man who towers before them can hardly be called a man. He is a ragged and sallow mess stitched together from the brink of true death. He smells as foul as he looks, largely due to the giant sack of bear poop he drags behind him.
The children shriek. The boy named William covers his eyes and cries out, “Help! Someone help us! It’s Bear Poop Sack Man, the evilest necromancer in the Eastern Kingdoms!” While the boy cowers, the girl named Donna grabs William’s wind-up gorilla and hurls it at Bear Poop Sack Man’s face. "Noooo!" cries William, "Not Jum-Jump!" The abominable necromancer snarls and stumbles back. Donna takes the opening and grabs William’s hand to make a run for it.
Alas, the children aren’t fast enough. Bear Poop Sack Man recovers remarkably quickly and roars, “CHILDREN SHOULD BE EATEN, NOT HEARD!!!” before swinging his massive sack of bear poop to smash the children with.
A crescendo of brass heralds the entrance of our hero into the scene: a tall, broad-shouldered war machine in full regalia of the Watch, enter the one, the only--Sir Oarwind.
“Halt! I am Sir Oarwind, Champion of Justice! In the name of the Alliance, I will right wrong and triumph over evil… And that means YOU, Bear Poop Sack Man!” Sir Oarwind’s booming voice resonates as his magnificent armor glints in the sunlight. Lens flare. Lens flare everywhere. A metallic schwing slices through the music as Sir Oarwind brandishes his broadsword.
His sword is even thicker and longer than ever imagined. How one man can even bear a sword so big, so great, is a miracle of the Light to be sure. In spite of his sword’s girth, its immensity, Sir Oarwind fights like combat is a dance, a sexy dance, making moves so super sick and fast that Bear Poop Sack Man’s dark magics can’t possibly keep up. Defeated, Bear Poop Sack Man resorts to flinging handfuls of bear poop into William’s face before he flees the scene.
Sir Oarwind roars, but has to let the fiend go to tend to poor William. Sir Oarwind kneels down by William and rests a gauntleted hand gently upon the boy’s shoulder. “Worry not, citizen! I know just what you need!” With that, Sir Oarwind heroically pushes William into the canal to cleanse him of the necromancer’s wretched doing. Little Donna squeals her delight and flings herself at Sir Oarwind, shouting, “Thank you, thank you, Sir Oarwind! When I grow up, I wanna marry a hero just like you!”
