Listening in on the mad gnome, Lord Regent Tenwit of the Tenth Legion and his Practical Marico.
“We all knew that D’Amond would cast aside our findings as she casts aside the entire index of crimes the cow has executed on the Alliance. But this, this goes beyond the expected folly.”
Tenwit, theatrically, mocks Gentyl, “Thank you Regent Tenwit, let me take this to the enemy and see what they have to say about it. Certainly, given the weight I bear in diplomacy and the depth of trust I have in the great and kind and omniscient Red Earth, she will certainly tell all.”
Turning again to Marico, “Did she expect a confession!?”
“I can hear her now,” Tenwit mocks again, “You didn’t write this did you, sweetheart?”
“The cow says, ‘No! That’s not my grammar!’ And the maggot lord licks D’Amond’s cheek and she giggles. And the cow kicks her in the side of the head and she begs apology for having her head in the way. A rogue with the brand of the Ishnu stabs her in the kidney and she falls to her knees only to withdraw the knife and give it back to him, ‘You seem to have mislayed your knife, sweet friend.’ ”
Tenwit pours a cup of wine, drinks it, and pours another.
“I swear the maggot lord might have the best mind of the three of them, and his is half eaten.”
“Marico, remind me, do we not speak of a leader of a horde clan, fresh from killing an alliance field general out of combat, who traffics with known murderers, childnappers, eaters of our living and dead; the very same clan that attempted to end my life the night before D’Amond bears them gifts, and shares with them the intelligence that we, at great risk, possess. This woman is more horde than alliance! The act itself is the very definition of treason! Do you hear her agents? They speak more harshly upon the Ocheliad, among others of the alliance, than they do the Ishnu!”
What is this new vein running through the alliance? It’s as if they take great pride in their horde associations, they call them by pet names, it’s like they’re courting one another. This isn’t diplomacy, it’s servility. It makes me want to vomit. And then there is this AAMS institution, they are discussed to no end; I see them at war tables, in privy councils, they are f****** couriers! Every time I hear this Aeldgyth creature speak I just want to hold her face in a brazier.” Tenwit fashions his little hand to demonstrate the act, laboring as if she were really there, “Just for a moment or two.”
“Regent.” Marico interrupted.
“Yes, forgive me.” The gnome collects himself, as best he’s able, “I know that humans are pliable, but this reaches a new level. I understand she is a farmer’s daughter?”
“I don’t know, sir.”
“That would explain her love of the bovine. And certainly, given the steps of her reason, she had no tutelage in cares of state or war. How in the hells does she get lifted? Oh, yes, a pretty face and a silver tongue. She’s much too short for my taste, what do you think, Marico?”
"I think she's pretty."
Tenwit grumbled.
“So, given this treasonous act by D’Amond, we should expect some unwelcome visitors. How do we look?”
“I think red is your color, Regent.”
“Not my appearance, Marico!” He throws a drained lemon at the Draenei. “How strong are we?”
“Well, what with your bills to Goldshire, the giant mirror, the dumbwaiter to get you to your chambers a’night, the new couch . . .”
“It’s a settee, you a**hole. Elven. The upholstery done in Teldrassil. It’s an expression of what we are, Marico. And I’m not talking about the state of our f****** ledger! You can talk to me about the ledger when you eat fewer than forty lamprey pies in a month. I mean my Guard, Marico, how strong is my guard!?”
Marico, as ever, unmoved by the halfling’s animation, “There is myself and Rinhold, sir. But I think he’s mad. They say he fights in the arena with two frying pans, screaming all sorts of bloody hell.”
“Frying pans. Screaming—screaming what?”
Marico gathers himself for a Rinhold impression, “'How ya’ like yer eggs! See what Rins a cookin’. That sort of thing.”
Tenwit stared at him a moment, expressionless. He walked to the vanity, impossibly tall for the gnome, he mounted a little footstool, the upholstery matching the settee. He straightened his new red satin vest.
“Don’t tell me you like the vest if you don’t like the vest, Marico.” Lifting his chin proudly, he cut a glance at Marico, “Do you like the vest?”
“Striking, sir.”
He smiled at the giant Draenei, “Let’s go conquer the world, shall we.”
*********
Distantly, as they walk down the hall, “. . .Regent, just what is bitumen?” To which the halfling replies, “. . . I have no f****** idea.” Followed by the booming, discordant laughter of a gnome and a draenei.