World of Warcraft®

o/~ anytime anywhere.... o/~

Zalmar finished cleaning the Northrend muck off his robes (turns out, contrary to all assumptions, Vrykul and Dragons are shytty housekeepers), then turned to the bank. It was time to settle in and get back to work. First up, the boss had tasked him with distributing something from some human woman named "Gentle".

Apparently, the daffy dame had a love for the Horde that just couldn't be satisfied with mere notes and frantic gestures of supplication (most often of the "Please don't put that sword there, that's my rib!" variety..). Today's task involved taking her current round of gifts and distributing them — randomly was it? yes, the manifest did say "randomly" — amongst unknowing and unsuspecting members of the Horde. Well, anything for the job, and this would give him a perfect opportunity to disseminate some of his latest musings on the nature of the Holy Light as well.

Zalmar gathered a selection of sermon notes, and opened the storage room where his manifest said the materials were being kept. And was —

MEW MEW MEW MEW MEW MEW MEW MEW MEW MEW MEW MEW MEW MEW MEW MEW MEW MEW MEW MEW MEW MEW MEW MEW MEW MEW MEW MEW MEW MEW MEW MEW MEW MEW MEW MEW MEW MEW MEW MEW MEW MEW MEW MEW MEW MEW MEW MEW MEW MEW MEW MEW MEW MEW MEW MEW MEW MEW MEW MEW MEW MEW MEW MEW MEW MEW MEW MEW MEW MEW MEW MEW MEW MEW MEW MEW MEW MEW MEW MEW MEW MEW MEW MEW MEW

— SLAM!!!

Zalmar held his back against the floor beyond which lay the chorus of horror. His eyes wide with abject panic and his breath coming in panting gasps. What kind of sadistic harridan was this Gentle woman? What could have possessed her to think that THIS was an appropriate gift? What feverish nightmare of pure evil circulated in that deformed tuskless visage? The room was full of kittens!!!

No, no, surely that couldn't be real, it must be some kind of security system, some illusion to frighten off potential abusers of the company's goods and services... Zalmar cracked the door open and —

MEW MEW MEW MEW MEW MEW MEW MEW MEW MEW MEW MEW MEW MEW MEW MEW MEW MEW MEW MEW MEW MEW MEW MEW MEW MEW MEW MEW MEW MEW MEW MEW MEW MEW MEW MEW MEW

Zalmar reeled across the hallway and came to rest against the far wall. No fouled beast of offal from hells below was ever misnamed so grievously as this "Gentle" lady. By the Sainted Souls of the Suffering Martyrs, it was no trick! Kittens, in boxes, stacks of them, piles of them, great, heaving, fluffy, cutesy eyed MOUNTAINS of mewing adorableness! Eve now, Zalmar felt their fluffy little thoughs invading his mind, their hunger for scritches and pettins, their insatiable demands for cream, cheese, fishies, dear Light Above, for little dangly bits of yarn and sparkly toys .... they were in his HEAD!

In a daze, the hapless troll staggered outside the offices. Almost unknowingly Zalmar found himself bringing a cow in from the pens, and leading it to the fateful door. "MEW! MEW! MEWMEWMEWMEWMEWMEWMEW!" As he got closer and closer to the room, the relentless augur of their endearments drove ever deeper into his mind. Their sweet cries of friendship and companionable finger-maulings wrapping themselves tighter and tighter around his will, until finally, Zalmar thrust the cow, its eyes rolling in panic, into the room.

There was a crescendo of "MEW", a single despairing "moo", and nothing but the faint sound of tiny pink tongues lapping at the feast......

Zalmar collapsed behind his desk, his will once more his own, for now, and his mind slowly focusing once again on his surroundings. What unholy pit of naked terror and madness had he fallen in to? How was he to fulfill his destiny to bring the Light to the Horde in the face of such turgid insanity? How could they POSSIBLY expect him to deal with this? How How HOW? He could not even remove the packages from the room, to say nothing of delivering them. And no mere written sermon could withstand the sound of that infernal mewing.

This was a disaster. Derscha Kettlebomb had so much to answer for.

((EDIT OOC: turns out I can't remove things from the gbank yet. SO, you're all safe from "Random Kitten Delivery" ... for now. Muahahahaha...))

((Cats. They are evil. And cute.

((They are like gnomes. Fluffy gnomes.))

"OW!" Came a word from inside the vault. Sitting on the floor, surrounded by kittens, was a single orc. Some may know him as Bralox, others wouldn't know him at all.

But there he was.

Kezrin contemplated the ceiling of the AAMS offices.

It was a lovely mix of spackle and wooden beams, although there were a few spots here and there that could use a touch-up. Maybe a coat of paint.

There was a loud humming noise in the air. No, a purring noise.

Cats.

"I have just the job for you," Akiae had said. "The perfect task for new couriers to meet the community. There's this outstanding delivery that needs to be made…"

Cats!

The room was filled with the little fuzz balls, each in its own cage. Ever since she and Myzzi had signed up with the AAMS, they'd been tasked with getting rid of them- err, finding suitable homes. Myzzi had no trouble with handling the felines, but Kezrin already had multiple bandages on her hands.

Day One had gone fairly well. She and Myzzi had met those nice gentlemen at the Wyvern's Tail, who seemed very pleased at receiving Pia Presidium's cats. One had even considerately sent back a return gift to Gentyl.

After that, it was dicey. It seemed a lot of folk weren't interested in a charmed cat you couldn't eat. Or maybe a charmed cat from Gentyl. Kezrin hadn't quite figured out which was the root problem.

Every day they didn't find a home was another day Kezrin had take care of them. Another day she had to feed them. Another day to water them. Let them out for several times for exercise.


Clean all of their litter boxes.

Myzzi had suggested using fireworks to blast the cats off to unsuspecting passersby, but Kezrin was pretty sure that wasn't what Akiae had meant by "delivering." Then Myzzi had abandoned her to work on some secret delivery project!

So Kezrin lugged the fleabag with her all day, but no one would take the hissing monster from her. Finally, she met that odd whimpering elf who managed to coax the cat out of its carrier without losing a finger. Another cat gone!

Myzzi hadn't returned when she arrived back at the offices, so Kezrin had to brave the room of cats by herself to dole out the evening meal. She opened each cage individually to fill up the food dishes. It happened as she opened the last cage.

The cat bolted out the door, jumping onto Kezrin's shoulder, and then springing onto a nearby shelf. Books and paperweights tumbled to the floor.

"Hey, get down from there!"

The cat hissed in reply.

Ten minutes of coaxing failed to produce obedience. The cat wasn't even interested in its meal. Kezrin finally gave up and fetched a step stool. She was just tall enough on the stool to reach the cat.

The cat haunched up on its hind legs, hissing, ears pulled back.

"Come here, ya fuzzbucket…"

Yyyyyeeoooooww!

A streak of orange fur launched itself into Kezrin's face, and the world blurred as she fell backwards.

When she woke up, it was to the sight of the ceiling, and the sensation of a very heavy object laying on her chest.

"Can I get up now?" she asked the cat.

Sharp claws pricked through her orange-fur-covered uniform. The cat balefully gazed at her and continued its purring, as if to say, 'Good luck dislodging me from my new goblin-shaped pillow.'

There was only one thing left to do.

"MYYYYYYYZZIIIIIIII!"

((originally on the AAMS forums))

Myzzi walked around the office. It was a good day. She hadn’t had anything important to do; the influx of messages had stopped. She didn’t know what she’d have done if she had to make –another- delivery to that Raoul fellow. She didn’t know what he would have done either. She shivered remembering the last time her and Kezrin delivered a message. Myzzi shook her head to rid herself of those thoughts.

She observed as she went. With all the messages she had she hadn’t really had a chance to just stop a moment. There was that ball, but she wasn’t working for that. She decided the office wasn’t that bad. She plopped down at the uneven desk and sorted through some papers. Figuring that there was nothing there for her, or that needed her looking at being new and all, she abandoned them to do something more interesting. Kezrin wouldn’t allow her near fireworks anymore, but what she had in mind was much more interesting. She stood up, whistling, and walked to another room.

Myzzi pushed the door open and saw them. Cats, kittens, lined up the walls, staring at her with their big adorable eyes. She closed the door behind her, smiling. She didn’t really understand her sister’s issue with them. They didn’t even make a peep at her! So well behaved. One kitten let out a single ‘mew’ and rubbed against the cage.

“Hold on a sec!” Myzzi cheerfully said to the cats. She walked around the store room, grabbed a bunch of bowls filling them with food and water. The cats stared at her, sitting patiently, just watching. Myzzi really didn’t see why others had so many problems with them. Whistling while she finished she walked up and down the line of cat cages opening them and watching as one by one the cats went to get there meal. While the balls of adorableness were eating Myzzi cleaned up the cages and tended to the storage room. Turning around she saw them all sitting there… staring at her…

Myzzi chucked nervously, “That’s a bit unnerving” but they kept staring.

“Alright then” Myzzi said, as she walked to grab a box out of the corner. She opened the flaps and tossed the contents out toward the cats. Dozens of cat toys, balls, bells, string, feathers, flew out of the box. The cats pounced on them. Soon the store room was a flurry of cats and toys. Myzzi laughed and made her way into the fray, sitting down and petting any of the cats that went by.

“We’re missing something” She said, not at all bothered that she was conversing with cats. She shuffled through her bag and pulled out a package. The cats turned as one entity and pounced on her. Myzzi waved them off. Still laughing she opened the package.

“Alright alright!” She giggled as she threw the package and the cats were showered with catnip. They began playing again with renewed vigor. They played for hours with Myzzi in the middle of them, still unable to wrap her head around the idea that anyone would dislike them.

After time had passed Myzzi stood up and yawned.

“Alright, that’s it for the night.” The cats mewed at her, “I know I know, I don’t want ta stop either but we gotta.”

She propped the toy box on its side and opened it.

“Ya know the drill” She said as the cats began batting there toys at it. Myzzi stood behind the box turning it when any of the toys would miss. It didn’t take long for the toys to be packed up and she stashed the box away again. She gave the cats a stern look. One by one they all returned to their cages. Myzzi nodded and smiled at them going through and latching the cages. She swept up and disposed of the catnip, and made sure the room was organized again.

Walked to the door the turned and smiled at the cats, who were all curled up sleeping like angels.

“How can anyone hate them?” She wondered aloud. She closed and locked the storeroom behind her. Exiting the office she waved to a passing AAMS member. She never heard the chorus of MEWs that followed once she was far enough away.

Gentyl looked around the stables at the once again growing cat population. It might be time to send more cats horde side.

Kezrin felt a shiver down her spine.

She didn't like the feeling. She let her "goblin instincts" guide her around, trying to find its source.

The fireworks were still locked up. (Never, ever trust Myzzi with the keys again!)

There weren't any new posts on the board.

The cats, whispered her instincts.

She poked her head into the "cat vault."

MEWMEWMEWMEWMEW

Cats, check.

Inexplicable orc, check.

The numbers were thankfully dwindling. Kezrin didn't know what she'd do if someone were, to say, send even more of them.

She shivered again.

Zalmar checked his bags.... MEW

By the LIGHT these were some annoying animals. And completely inedible too (not that he'd tried..much....). No matter, job was job was job was job. Zalmar landed outside the inn in Ratchet. After finding Razor Hill, The Valley of trials, and Sen'Jin utterly devoid of life, Zalmar was beginning to despair of ever finding a suitable chump .... victim ... loving and kind home for the cats in his sack.

Zalmar looked around...and there, there in front of him was a lone tauren traveller. Young, with the wide-eyed look of the new adventurer still fresh and unsullied by the horrors of the trade.

Perfect. They'd never see it coming.

"Ey der me mon!"

......

The tauren sat astride his Kodo, half in, and half out of the inn. There was a sudden gaseous "FFFFPTHPTHPTHT" and a steaming pile of Kodoflop landed on the floor.

......

"Ey mon, dat's just.....no mattah, EY!"

......

"EY MON! I'n'I's TALKIN TA YOU!"

The younger tauren finally turned and looked at the dashingly handsome and immaculately dressed troll.

"Ooooh, pardon me..... I am sorry...."

"No mattah mon, smoene got a message for y'a mon."

"For meeeee?"

"Yeah mon, right 'ere.. some 'Oomon Lady named Jellyhill or Gentle or some'tin. She sends ya dis 'ere gift mon, and a message...she says"

— and here Zalmar brings out a small scroll and begins to read aloud —

"Dearest Memah of de Noble 'Orde

I trust dis messenjah finds you well, and dat you is behaving' wit' honor and de kindness which I knows you is capable of.

Please be accepting dis 'ere token of my love for you mon. Be takin' care of it as you would take care of de heart of a lovah, the trust of a frien', or de well vein' of de young ones. Be feeding it, be water in it, and DON' BE LIGHTIN IT ON FIAH. Seriously mon, you don' wan' to know what 'eppens when dese get near open flame.... As long as dis 'ere kitteh be yours , you know dat out were, were be a 'Oomon lady who loves you. An' know dat I cherish dat love wit' all my 'eart.

Truly, deeply, and sincerely mon, De Ladle Gentyl"

Zalmar hands both the note and the package over to the big tauren Bave, and then snaps off a salute.

"You got any messages you wan' taken back to de lady den"

"uuuhhhhhhhh... no? But I will contact you if I do..."

"Ai'ght den brudda, I be takin my leave den..unless you needs any odder 'eli? Per'aps a short sermon den?"

"Oh no, no thank you..."

"Ai'ght brudda, but remember, it be your soul mon, best be takin care of it. You be 'vain a 'oly day den, and thanks few usin de AAMS"

With that, Zalmar rose into the air and drifted off into the town proper. When he was out of siht of the young Brave, he checked his bags..."MEW!"

/sigh

Still 4 cats left. It was going to be a long day.

I'm highly suspicious of anyone who doesn't love a fuzzy, cuddly kitty. Even when it was acquired from an questionable source.

They are an inexhaussstible food sssupply, yesss! We thank Gentyl for her magic cat, yesss!