World of Warcraft®

To the Maggot Lord Abominus,
Shaver of Taurens,
Barber of Sin'Dorei,

I write you this letter only moments after remembering your qualifications in the many fields of Sciences in our most complicated world. Before I divulge into the nature of your qualifications, or their relevance thereof, I should inform you of the reason you have entered into my spectrum of thought.

It all started with my sighting of a mechanical construct of reptilian nature upon the bluffs of Thunder Bluff. When I attempted to initiate a petting procedure on its back, I was halted only by Sidonwy's warning that "she bites". I was immediately shocked that a construct was capable of possessing a sexual orientation.

My brain began to immediately go to work on how this was possible. The first thought I had was outward appearance. Perhaps a few extra bolts hanging down in the back? No, surely this was too simple for a mechanical beast.

I knew instantly the solution was inward. Must we look towards its emotions? No, for it cannot display such things. Perhaps its habits or mannerisms? Perhaps its calculations? Calculations, yes. How does the construct go about calculating the best possible paths to success in a given situation?

Instruct the construct to plan a wedding event. Yes, of course, it is so obvious. If the construct decides that manual selection of the flowers is necessary for maximum viewing pleasure of the guests at the event, surely it is a female. However if the construct calculates that hiring a wedding planner to handle such selections is most efficient, then we must conclude that it is male.

Though this plan sounds brilliant it needs statistical back-up. I wish to conduct an experiment where many women are questioned as to how likely they are to manually select the flowers themselves, or allow a planner to complete the process. We must do this for males as well to insure equal results. I concluded that the best way to handle this was entice the subjects into questioning with the promise of snacks. However a Sin'Dorei suggested that it would skew the results in favor of those who consume an abnormal amount of snacks.

This is where you come in, my dear Maggot Lord. I need subjects whom are willing to participate without the promise of snacks. I know that you are very adept at selecting subjects for a variety of testing procedures and believe that you would be best suited for this task. We should meet for tea and candied worms at your earliest convenience.

Regards,
Vernim Wormwood,
Da Doctas Professor

If I may be permitted to interrupt...

I think perhaps you may have missed the most important clue. "she bites". My experience is that the vast majority of people that have bitten me have been female. In fact, I can't recall the last male to have attempted to bite me.

This may be more of a reflection of the company that I keep than anything else, but I think it's an avenue worth exploring.

Of course, it means that all those Dogs Made Out Of Rock in the Vaults are female, as they keep trying to bite me, but I think we can agree that this does not contradict my hypothesis.

The Maggot Lord reflected on many things. he thought of the many friends and enemies, often one and the same, he had met over the years since his awakening. He reviewed the 5 Strokes of righteous fury one used in getting through the plate armour of a Tauren, in order to shave it properly while thus armoured. He remembered a cat once attacking a fly, and being killed by the insect. His reflections came to an end as he collided with the wall of the Undercity laboratory room he was in, a wash of greenish fire and purple smoke pouring over him as the concussion wave enveloped him.

Picking himself up from the ground, he brushed off the debri clinging to him, and heard the RAS Containment Squad alert sounding.

"Next time, ussse lessssss elf-angssst, yesss...."

A short time later, his secretary shuffled in, and handed him his letters for the day. Discarding the usual death threats, law suits, fines, and orders to appear before as many courts of the law as there were nations upon Azeroth and Draenor, he found the note from Vernim Wormwood. Interested, he opened it and read the missive.

"Hmm, utilizing ssstatissstical analysssisss through a random ssselection of intervieweesss basssed on flower consssumption asss oppossssssed to diametric obfussscaputative processssssesss in the brain meatsss of female-thingsss versssusss the male-creaturesss lack of interessst in thessse mattersss, sssave for financial renumeration or professssssional interessst, coupled with the dissscovery of sssexual characterisssticsss in inorganic, mobile constructsss, yesss? Fassscinating, yesss!"

Looking around, he took some gnome skin parchment, and sent word to his colleague.

"Dear Doctor Wormwood,

We are interested in persuing this line of inquiry, for the good of SCIENCE. We will immediatley begin a maggot breeding program to this effect, and consult our researchers at Hello Maggy, Inc. We may have to reserve rooms here at the Apothecarium for the recalcitrant subjects, along with suitable experts in information retrieval. I will be available for consultations on Friday, Sunday, and Tuesday. If need be, we can meet at the Clinic to discuss matters.

Remember, Patience; Discipline.

Abominus the Maggot Lord of the Shu'halo, Horde Combat Barber"

The note made, he gave it to his long suffering secretary for delivery, and then readied himself to begin supervising the cleanup and rebuilding of his lab, again.

Vernim stepped into the faculty break room on the Da Doctas Campus, hanging his over-coat on a nearby rack. He surveyed the room momentarily before spotting a few letters on the table before him which he quickly snatched upwards to eye level. Moving the front letter to the back many times over he searched eagerly for one addressed to himself; he found it as the very last envelope.

"Such expedient delivery; impressive." He quickly tore at the seam, ripping it open to reveal the letter inside. Scanning it quickly before reading it entirely he sighed a sigh of relief, happy to know that The Maggot Lord himself would assist in his research. He gathered up the nearby writing utensils, an ink well, and parchment to begin his return letter.

==================

Dear Maggot Lord Abominus,

I am quite pleased to know that you are so willing to assist in this most important research project. I believe Sunday would be the best day for us to meet and iron-out the details of our endeavor. As far as funding goes for the project I believe I may be able to secure the required monetary amount in the form of Bonds with assistance out of my own pocket. Please send a preferred time of day and location for Sunday that we can meet.

I look forward to working with you.

Sincerely,
Professor Vernim Wormwood

**** I will be on most of Sunday. Say 1 PM server in the Apothecarium of the Undercity?***

**That should work for me! I got the day off from work so I'll have all day to science.**

We mussst meet at the Clinic to dissscussssss my findingsss, yesss.

((Warning... he shaves worgen too... Just sayin'...))