World of Warcraft®

Sippycup winged her hippogryph west over Thoradin's Wall into the Hillsbrad Foothills. Surely there was a dig somewhere here, she was certain. She flew over the remains of Durnholde, and began thinking about time.

"Time's....weird. I wonder, if I went back here through those Caverns, and left a....a widget, or a tankard, could I come back and dig it up? That's kind of like cheating, I guess."

Cup soared over Tarren Mill, balking at the new construction. "Speaking of cheaters...GAH that tower is creepy!" Cup was still irked about losing a chicken to a crafty blood elf in a game of King's Ransom. She never considered herself much of a cardsman, but somehow that elf just KNEW everytime she had a good hand! "It was uncanny! Me MUST have been a dirty rotten no-good cheatersman!" Cup scowled and chomped down on a carrot, holding it like a cigar as she thumbed through her copy of "Archaeology and YOU: A Beginner's Guide to Fieldwork".

"Where's that one chapter......here we go." Cup skimmed a passage, and then began to search visually for mounds and depressions in the surrounding countryside....

"WHOA!" She hauled back on the reins, probably a bit too forcefully, and the hippogryph squawked and bucked. "AAH! Sorry! Go down! Down here!" The creature landed, croaking, ruffling its feathers and eyeing the gnome in a perturbed fashion. "Sorry, buddy! But it's just what the book says! Have you SEEN a bigger depression?" Cup gestured grandly at the glowing crater. The hippogryph stared at her a moment, and then, quick as lightning, snatched the carrot out of her mouth with its beak. "AAH! What..? FINE! Be that way, stay up here and eat BUGS, you crazy bird....deer thing! I'M going down there and checking it out."

It only took Cup two hours to rappel down to the bottom of the crater. She stopped about halfway down for a snack, which turned into a meal. Fifteen minutes of climbing was strenuous, after all. After the meal, it was another fifteen minutes clambering down rocks and crannies, and there she was, standing at the bottom of the crater left by Dalaran. She spent a few minutes turning over rocks and brushing at pebbles with a toothbrush until something caught her eye.

"Is that...HEY! It's a pipe! I knew they didn't get ALL of it, there's still sewers...or under-sewers! UNDER-things always have more treasure!" Cup went over and peered into the stone passageway. "Good, it doesn't stink. Much." Cup tightened her pack straps and put on a headband with a small jar full of glowy-bug larva affixed to the front. She squared her shoulders, and, with a look she determined appropriate for grand discoveries on her face, climbed into the pipe.

(1/5)

Cup followed the pipe until it let out into a stonework chamber. There were a few other pipes, so she began looking into those. Some were clogged with rubble. While deciding which of the ones that appeared clear for some distance she wanted to go down, she noticed a large crack in the wall. Pulling away some loose stones revealed a natural passage. This was too interesting to pass up! "Off the beaten path! Oho!"

After a few hours, Cup was deep underground. Aside from a few mundane objects, she hadn't found anything worth note. "Hmmm. Maybe this site is too big for just a preliminary scouting mission. I should come back with more people-" *GRUMBLE GRUMBLE* Cup's stomach growled. What time was it? Cup checked her pocketwatch. "Half-past six?!? I totally missed Linner!" (The meal between lunch and dinner.) Cup got her food basket out of her backpack and began to set up an impromptu Linner feast. "Oh, deviled eggs, yes.....ham!" Cup took a swig from a wineskin and popped a deviled egg into her mouth. "I should use more mustard next time...." Cup scooped up a handful of peanuts next. *CRUNCH CRUNCH CRUNCH* She chewed the legumes, and swallowed....

*Crunch*

"Huh?"

*Crunch*

"I'm not chewing anymore....is that an echoOH CRAP!"

The extra crunching came to a halt as a large, shadowy figure approached. An ogre!

Cup sprang to her feet. "Hang on a second there buddy who are you what's going on here don't touch me HEY! That's MINE!" The ogre had picked up her food basket and was sniffing and snuffling furiously into it. "Cut it out! Yer DROOLING in it! Get yer big stupid stinky face outta there!"

The ogre pulled his head from the basket, a roasted quail in his mouth. He began to chew it, bones and all, chuckling. "Dumpslide take any food he want, little bug. Maybe, he eat you next!" The ogre hooted with laughter, and other voices joined in, followed by their owners out of the deeper shadows.

"You tell it, mon!" said a troll. His tusks were very long and yellowed. He reached into the basket and pulled out a cupcake, smooshed it in his hand and began to eat it. "Sight, dis bug have da sweets!"

A filthy blonde human male looked into the basket next. His greasy, stringy hair hung all over it. He pulled out a turkey leg, took a large bite, and with his mouth full, tossed a pear to another man, saying, "Yeah. Grub! Whaddya think, Outhouse?"

The pear recipient, a fatter, balding human with a lazy eye, tried to catch the pear but missed. As he chased it through the dirt, he said, "OUTHOUSE." He bent down, farted, picked up the pear and gnawed at it without even wiping it off.

A pale, one-eared orc reached into the basket without looking, grabbed a handful of smashed random food and stuffed it in his craw. "Hum."

"You hear dis, bug?" said the ogre, Dumpslide. "Eyes say he keep you to cook for us!" The orc nodded. "Hum."
Outhouse approached, holding some rusty chains, and the five began to laugh uproariously while feasting from the basket.

(2/5)

Cup's face was turning beet red. *THUMPA-Thump* She could see them laughing, but all she could hear was her heartbeat. Everything was happening in flashes, all slow and menacing.

Blondie making a mean face, dancing a little jig with celery stalks stuck up his nostrils.*THUMPA-Thump*

Outhouse's tiny, black teeth as he vainly tried to take a bite from a yellow squash, losing a tooth in the vegetable's tough skin.*THUMPA-THUMPA*

The orc, Eyes, staring right at her, chewing slowly. Pulling a wad of earwax from his remaining ear and reaching back into the basket without wiping it off. *THUMPA-THUMPA-THUMPA*

The troll leaping for joy, ruinously tearing into a cheesecloth packet for the grilled salmon therein. *THUPPATUPPATHUPPA*

Dumpslide, guffawing with a mouthful of g*!**s, slobbering, pooping just right there where he stood. *THUBBATHUBBATHUBBATHUBBA*

Grubby hands....horrible breath....no manners!


The five heard a high-pitched keening noise, strange and unnerving, and their laughter died down as they looked around for the noise....which was emanating from Cup.

The gnome stood facing them, hands clenched, face screwed up into the pout of all pouts, practically vibrating with rage. "EeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeYAAAAAH! That's......MY.....FOOD! My basket! You ruined it you filthy degenerate subterranean boorish louts!Eeeeeeeeeeee....YEAAAAAAAAAARGH!"

(3/5)

With this shrill shriek, Cup leapt at the ogre, planting her feet on his pecs and grabbing his horn with her left hand. The ogre blinked, taken aback by the rapidity of this assault. "Whuh?" With her right hand Cup delivered three sharp blows to his mouth. "YOU. ARE. MEAN!" The ogre stumbled backwards. Cup grabbed the horn with both hands, pushed off of his chest, and swung back in, kicking the ogre in the throat. As he choked and stumbled even further, Cup rolled backwards down his body and dove at the approaching orc.

"Git it, mon! KILL da bug!" shouted the troll, as he and the humans rushed forward. Cup had already reached the orc, grapped onto his leg, and delivered a sharp punch to the groin. "HUMMMMmmmm!" groaned Eyes, sinking to his knees as Cup ducked out of the way of Blondie's dagger, which sank into the orc's thigh. The orc roared and flung the human away. Cup jerked the knife out of his leg, tumbled between Outhouse's legs and stabbed him in the back of the knee.

"OUTHOOOOOOUUSE!" As he stood in shock yelling, Cup climbed up him and began to headbutt him in the grill. "YOU. BRUSH. YOUR. TEETH!" Outhouse collapsed, sobbing and spitting teeth. Cup screamed in his face, "RRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!" Outhouse screamed back in terror, "AAAAAAAH!"

Now the troll was bearing down on her, and began slamming at her with a large metal staff. Cup hopped and rolled out of the way of the blows and the ground cracked at the impacts, sending dust into the air. The troll coughed, spit, and began to sway. Was he dancing? "You git de FIYAH now, bug!" He whirled, kicking out, standing on his hands, swinging the staff everywhere. Cup kept having to leap and dodge and duck. The dancing threw her off a bit, and the staff came around from an unexpected direction and smacked her in the shoulder. She spun, "OW!" The staff came back around but this time, Cup grabbed it with both hands. Save a few inches, the staff stopped pretty much cold. Cup jerked the troll towards her, and he slammed down, breaking one tusk and getting the other stuck in the ground.

Cup felt a WHOMP and heard the sc@*#!%% of metal on metal as an ill-aimed backstab glanced off of her armor. Spinning about, she saw Blondie hop back, holding his daggers wardingly before him. He began to circle her warily, making his way around to the ogre, who was regaining his feet. Cup squared off and was about to charge them when a hand grabbed her ankle. "Out....house!" The man raised his head, tugging at her leg. With a squeak of fury Cup punched him in the nose. *CRACK* Outhouse saw a white flash, purple dots, tasted iron, and fell unconscious.

Cup felt a flash of fire across the left side of her belly. Blondie had aimed properly this time and gotten in a painful slice. As he danced back away from her, she leapt at him screaming, but was stopped short as Dumpslide snagged her by the hair and lifted her off the ground. The gnome flailed wildly as the ogre held her at arms length. "Dis bug too dangerous! We squash it! NOW!" he roared. Blondie approached again, feinting with his knives and grinning. He stabbed at Cup, then, intending to deliver a mortal blow, but she grabbed his wrist and SQUOZE very hard into a pressure point. The human gasped and his knife fell from his now noodle-like fingers. He dropped his other weapon, grabbing at his wrist, trying fretfully to pry Cup's grip from his wrist. "OWOWOWOW! STOP, PLEASE!"

The ogre tried to tug her this way and that, even walking around the area a bit, but her dogged grip on the man's wrist was unwavering. "Stop, bug!" Dumpslide hollered. "OWWWWWW! LEGGO! IT HURTS!" cried Blondie. The three struggled about until they heard "HUM!" As one they looked over and saw the orc, aiming a bow. Cup put her hands up. Blondie gasped and stumbled back into a wall. Cup fell to the ground as Dumpslide also raised his hands.

The orc rolled his eyes and gave the ogre an annoyed "hum", and then took aim at Cup. He drew the string back, and it snapped. After a moment's confusion, he roared, threw the bow aside, and leapt for Cup, holding the arrow like a downturned dagger. Cup hit her back and kicked with all her might into his chest, diverting his aim so that he landed by the ogre, stabbing the arrow into his foot. Blondie, cradling his sore arm, tried to kick her. She grabbed his foot, sidestepped, and jerked on his leg, sending him into an impressive splits. Fabric ripped, Blondie said, "....wheeeeeeeeeeeeze" and fainted.


(4/5)

Cup jumped forcefully onto the troll's back as he struggled to get his tusk unstuck. "OUF!" he expelled. Dumplside bellowed and tried to unpin his foot. Eyes limped towards her. Cup beaned the orc in the forehead with a rock. Just then, Dumpslide jerked his foot free with a shout, hopping backwards trying to regain his balance. The troll finally freed his tusk from the ground, and he and Cup both looked at the approaching posterior of the ogre in unabashed fear. Cup meeped in horror and leapt away, but the troll was unlucky and got his tusk stuck once more as the ogre lost his balance. Ogre and troll screamed in unison, "NOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Now Cup was on the orc's back, twisting his remaining ear painfully. "YOU! Show me how to get outta here!"

*****************************************************************************************


The crickets chirped on the shore of the lake until they were alarmed and hopped away when the large, oddly-shaped rock turned over. Two pale, yellowish hands pushed a fuming, sputtering gnome through a thin layer of dirt out onto the surface. The hands flopped, exhausted, only quickly pulling away when Cup threatened to stomp on them. "And if I EVER see the sun on yer face, I'm takin' that other ear ya lunkheaded crag-browed swine hustlin'- EEEEK!"

Cup's rant was cut short by the hippogryph, swooping in and hauling her off by the collar.


*The End*

Ha, that is hilarious. I love it.