World of Warcraft®

A master chef known throughout the world, he is hailed as a wondrous marvel. He is considered the greatest cook in the entire kingdom due to his masterful use of spices. His flavors were so powerful that even the king himself makes personal orders of his cooking weekly. It is said that his cooking even has the power to heal one’s mind and cure sickness. People would line the streets when he would have a wild thought on a new recipe and would spend hours in his cellar perfecting the next great meal. The smells that poured through the walls of his home would lash out at those in his hometown in Hillsbrad and take them on a mind-blowing adventure of the senses. The king so loved his food, he sent able paladins to guard his secrets day and night so that no false chef could steal and ruin the masters’ work. Despite their best efforts, treachery befell the master as he worked endlessly in his cellar. An explosion that rocked the town could only be the work of a jealous rival. To whom that rival was could have never been found for the master had none. His death was mourned throughout the land and whole towns went without food for a week in mourning and they had forgotten how to cook themselves. There shall never be another master such as this…

…And there never was to begin with.

In truth, this “master” was actually quite the terrible cook. His cooking was indeed known throughout the world, but only as the worst food anyone had every stomached. Then again, most stomachs could do little to keep his food down. His “masterful” use of spices was mainly whatever was within his reach for that day. Often the smells that came out of his cellar did overtake the town, filling the minds of the villagers with adventures of the most foul. The king did indeed try his food (though he thought it was someone else’s at first) and was so distraught at what he ate, he sent seasoned paladins to make sure that disaster never reached the mouths of the innocent ever again. Despite their best efforts, this madman continued to work in his cellar creating various horrors to be released onto the world. Through treachery or an act of mercy upon the town, an explosion rocked the town one glorious night freeing the world of this plague spreader. No one mourned the passing of this man and his works. In fact, his rivals, his betters, hosted a festival in honor of the day the smog was lifted freeing the town of the horrible smells that came from his house. The festival would last a whole week and the people of the land would eat wondrous food never known to them. They had vowed to never allow such a master of death cooking to haunt them again…

And then the Lich King showed up…

That night in his cellar, Malerus had been making his greatest creation ever. Surrounded in his small room were over one thousand spices from around the world, most of which he never used. Reaching for everything he could, spice, highly flammable oils, a cat, lint in his pocket and some even say a touch of gas that powered Gnomish machines, all these things went into his pot. Caring nothing of his safety, he continued to mix and mix and mix until he at last decided to fire his cooking stove. Only then did he learn that gas was probably not the best thing to use as his primary flavor in his broth. The explosion completely incinerated him and his house. The heat was so intense; all of the spices that surrounded him became fused with his melting brain as he died. It had been some time before he would open his eyes and see the sun again. He did not know how or why, but he was alive once again and the first thing he had noticed when he took a deep breath, was everything, smelled, AWESOME! It did not matter what he looked like or how decayed his body had become. What mattered was how hungry he was and no matter what he looked at he could take a deep breath and everything smelt edible to him. He ate grass, awesome, he ate grubs, awesome, he ate a cat, awesome and then he found a human tending the fields. He happily walked up to the man, scaring him half to death, took a big happy bite of the man and chewed. His thoughts were mixed at this point; he was not sure what to think of this new meal. Then he remembered he had a salt shaker in his pocket when he died. He applied the extra spice to the rest and chewed again…AWESOME!

Everything he ate tasted soooo good. The spices burned into his brain had somehow awakened his taste to a whole new level. To further the experience, he gathered random things which became his stuff (even if it did belong to the tasty farmer) and set out to eat everything.

((Hadn't known they shortened the word limit, again...))

((Hello there, I am Malerus. I come to you looking for a home so that I may further my cooking experience and enhance yours. Some about me or this character. I am looking for a kind of laid back guild that does not mind a ghost of sorts. What I mean is, I work overnight and have very odd play times. This is also not may main so I’ll be flip flopping between alliance and horde. I love to Pvp or try to as I do tend to flop around and die a lot. I also like to Rp and this is one of those characters I like to have fun with when I don’t want to be serious about stuff. Due to my timeframe I can’t raid when most do, so I’m stuck doing LFR. This is a fresh lvl 90, but thanks to Timeless I’ve been able to boost him to and ilvl of 502 in only a few days. I do have plans with this character which is why I decided to finally push him to 90 and based on what guild I join, I may be able to spread those plans. I’m very laid back and have no problem helping when I can. My skills are herbing and mining which I mainly used to make fast cash and naturally cooking which I’ve let slip since cata.
I am always in Hordeooc if you feel I am a fit or just need another crazy character type in the mix heh. ))

(( Bumpers))

He didn’t know how long he sat there waiting. Actually, he never really paid attention to any time as he seemed more focused on nibbling on his hand. After a few bites he added a few drops of sauce to his arm and took another bite out of boredom. Using his other hand, he opened the mailbox and sighed when he saw that it was empty.

Closing it he sighed again. He sat back down and continued on his arm. After a few moments he heard the sounds of tiny footsteps coming towards him. Turning, he was delighted to see it was the mail goblin. Taking a moment from eating his arm he stopped to greet the news bringer.

“Finally! You know how long I’ve been waiting for you?” He said with a mouthful of arm.

The goblin gave him a curious look as he watched him take another bite of his arm. Seeing this, Malerus offered a bite

“Ehhh, that’s ok pal. You just, uh, enjoy yourself there.” He said kind of grossed out.

Shrugging, Malerus went back to work on his arm sniffing the air once and a while. Staring at the goblin he gave a creepy smile.

“So, um, anything for me?” Malerus said sniffing the air again.

“No, nothing t’day just like it was yesterday and the day before that. Quit staring at me like that, you’re creepin me out.” The goblin said filling the mailbox. Turning to walk away after he was done, the goblin took only two steps before getting hit on the back of the head with a frying pan.

Malerus put the pan down and began making a cooking fire and when done, set a box of spices on the ground.

“A pity. No one seems to want a world class cook. Perhaps I need to prove myself. Do something that would maybe impress those who would want to be impressed.” He said to himself as he tossed the goblin on the fire. Taking a few vials of spice from his box, he began to season the goblin.

Sniffing the air again he smiled. “Mmmmm, going to be good. What could I do though?”

He scratched his head thinking while poking the goblin with a fork. Then it hit him. “That Paladin! She shined bright and was very strong. I bet She would be tasty. Maybe worth something to someone. Or perhaps a good meal, she did smell wonderful.” Malerus smiled as he took a bite out of the goblin.

I tasted a paladin a while back in Arathi Basin, they don't taste as good as they look. All that holy power, ugh, bleh, yuk... they taste disgusting! If you ask me, gnome is the tastiest treat in all of Azeroth.

Stop sniffing me like that, Malerus... I'm watching you.

Ah, but a Paladin is much like a boiled lobster. Very bright and full of color, a pain to crack open at times, but once you get past the shell there is a world of flavor awaiting you as a reward. I will agree that those with more devotion to the Light tend to have, well, a lighter flavor or the lack there of. Though much like the lobster again, this can be remedied with a nice dish of butter or salt.

As to Gnomes, I cannot agree more! They are very delightful to cook, minus the screaming and cursing, but are unfortunatly very small and can only serve as an appetizer to be shared with friends. Goblin of late has also been a test for me as they are roughly the same size as a Gnome, but do tend to taste different. They have a thickness to them which can overpower the flavors of other dishes, so it is best to serve them with something sweet. If others prefer, one could serve both as a sampler tray to satisfy your guests.

And I do apologize for my sniffing, it is a bad habit of mine and I do always look for new ways to better my skills. Sometimes I lose myself in the senses I pick up when I take deep breaths. You have nothing to fear though, the season is not yet right for the type of meal I would have to prepare for you. Perhaps in the summer time when it is warmer. The heat tends to bring forth various other smells which help me decide the right flavors needed.

So be mindful of your surroundings and be ever watchful if you must. Or perhaps when season is right, you could offer something better to gain my interest. Though keep in mind I am one who knows the arcane arts and can travel anywhere at will.

When it comes to cooking and finding the right ingredient, I am everywhere.

How are you still unguilded.

I was kind of sitting on the sidelines, you know? Watching to see who'd come at you first. Watching to see how much it'd cost me to outbid them.

I see now its time for a change in tactics.

I already called dibs. You weren't around Lio. Malerus I'll be around tonight to plot and scheme and sample delicacies. You do have delicacies that can be sampled don't you?

Your likening of paladins to lobsters is one of the most on point similes I've ever read, as well as hilarious and disturbing.

I applaud you, good sir, and I hope you find a good home and stick around. Your posts have been entertaining.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to dash before you try to eat me.

-Vengeful squint.-

Moradinel...

You must forgive my tardiness on replying or even using the mail system. Perhaps I was too eager to snack on that mail Goblin. They seem to have learned to ignore that one particular mailbox that I lie in wait at and have refused to send any more snac...couriers. It's so hard to get food deliveries these days.

I believe I have made a decision on where I would like to further my cooking experiments. However, you may need to wait a tad longer as my current events may hinder relations with those I wish to join. I still hunt for a certain paladin to add to the stew I am currently working on and catching this ingredient will not be easy and not without some mess. Some say you can judge a good cook by how well he keeps his kitchen. Sadly I do not have a kitchen so the mess I make will not count.

However, the mess I do make should not leave a stain on those I wish to join and so I will make this dish without a title by my name. This should prevent any finger pointers from, well, pointing fingers at anyone but me (Make a mental note, fried fingers with a ranch sauce).

Outside of this ingredient grabbing adventure, I should be fairly quiet until I am called for cooking services again or other...activities. As to those activities, I shall not say what they are here, but will inform those whom need informed when the time comes.

Now, if all is understood, I must do this thing that I must do so that I can do that other thing that I wish to do. Maybe talk to some pandas to show my their ways of cooking and then maybe sample some of them. Their food, not them, though I've already done that, lots to work with there. They have enough farmers, they won't miss a few.