World of Warcraft®

[Plunderblood Island Fortress, Observation Deck]

Kedia Blitzbuckler stood at the railing gazing at the newly-completed shipyard, and the still-empty flagship berth. A good, seaworthy, dangerous vessel took time to build indeed, but there was business that needed doing, and ship-less, this would take a great deal more time and money. Two men stood upon the boat, working efficiently and silently, but for the recurring hammering; not quickly enough, for the Blood Princess' pleasure. She sighed and turned, leaned against the rail, folded her arms, and regarded Pashi Silversplint, who was sunbathing in a beach chair.

"Pashi..."

Pashi opened one eye. "Yeh?"

"We need a ship."

Pashi waved an imaginary magic wand. "Theah." She reclosed her eye and felt around for her coconut drink.

"I'm serious, Pash. We're missin' out on too many opportunities."

"Well, ya wannit done right, or fast?"

"Right. Right now. Both! I'm thinkin' we....acquire one that's already built."

"That ain't inna budget, iron buns." She continued blindly pawing at the side table and, not finding her drink, opened her eyes in consternation. Kedia's brother, Tarkalk, stood by the table, smirking, and took a large gulp of the coconut milk.

He wiped his mouth and said, "I don't think she's talkin' markets, Miss 'Splint." Pashi frowned.

"Fingahs, you swill any moah a' my drink an' YOU ain't gonna be inna budget!"

Tarkalk chuckled and handed her the coconut. "Oh, no?" he replied. "What if I told ya I had some sweet, sweet intel that might get us a ship well below market price?"
Pashi stuck out her tongue.

Kedia eyed Tark, her brother. "What, did Motorforge come through on their movement, bro?"

Tarkalk gave an innocent shrug. "I dunno what you could ever mean, sis."

Kedia grinned. "Right. So?"

Tark cleaned a fingernail with a dagger. "Supposedly, a certain ship with a certain captain is anchorin' off the coast of a certain stronghold soon, to resupply with food, an' rum, an' all that."

Pashi paused mid-swig. "Ya mean Boldtusk?"

"Maybe."

Pashi set her drink on the table and hopped up quickly. "Ooh, tell me ya mean yes-maybe."

Tark waggled his eyebrows. "Maybe!"

Kedia laughed and said, "Yeh, Boldtusk....what was ya beef with him again, Pash?"

Pashi planted her fists on her hips. "Ya know good'n well what! You had crates in that shipment too!"

Kedia nodded. "Yeh...wool....some lumber, hm? ...Mithril....What was it he took from you, though?" Grinning as her sarcastic tone went not unnoticed.

Pashi steamed. "Ya KNOW it was that crate a' glass animals I was gunna move in Silvahmoon. 'Cept I was gunna keep that zhevra....That boar-brained orc didn't even fence 'em! When he saw it wasn't gold or food he just scattered 'em to tha waves!"

Kedia's simple manipulation seemed effective. "I bet ya'd like ta give him a piece o' yer mind, huh?"

"Oh, I'd give him a piece a' somethin', all right." Pashi took up her coconut and slugged the last of her milk. "Steel works."

Kedia grinned grimly, eyeing the coconut. "I love steel... Yeah.... Yeh, this gives me an idea. A great idea...an' I'm sure we'll all get our ups...."

[Off the Southern Coast of Tanaris, in the dead of night]

Khazmodas Motorforge peered through his spyglass from the front of the crowded rowboat. "Aye, that's it, all right. We approach the port bow of the Grubby Dungaree." The gnome nodded, turning to the assembled Plunderblood crew. "Right where they said. Just a few sentries on deck, and the worm in the crow's nest." He turned to face the others, his mustachioed grin illuminated by lamplight. "As good a time as ever, I might say. Just give the word, boss."

Kedia eyed her crew. Besides her brother Tarkalk and Pashi, there sat wedged into the boat two other goblins: Butterlump Nozzleblast and C. C. Coinclamp, along with a large, spiny red boar that C. C. called Snortleby. There was also the pale blood elf, Belaena Goldspire, and the bony apparition of a Forsaken woman called Nancine, sitting on the lap of Ashu, a tauren with an apathetic look on his face, a quiver on his back, and the sole lantern in his hand.

"This is it, crew. A few rum-soaked, hungover pirates are nothin', if they can even get up. Tonight we take a ship, an' with it, some clout, an' loot, an' glory." Kedia cleared her throat. "GLOOOOOOORY."
A couple aboard quietly chuckled.
"Anyone wants ta back out, just start swimmin'" She continued. Seeing no one move to leave, or expecting such, she nodded grimly. "Then in we go. That's the word, Admiral Sneakybeard."

The gnome, already adapted to this new nickname, nodded and !@#$led a few levers, causing the boat to buck wildly as a platform unfolded from beneath and came up on the starboard side, sporting a miniature catapult. "All's go, fellow buccaneers."

Meanwhile, Pashi tied a rope about her waist as Tark affixed a few small fan devices to her belt. He switched them on, gave her a thumbs up, and she levitated, the fans providing a boost, to a decent height above the boat until the rope pulled taut. Then Pashi, the goblin balloon, concentrated, shining a bright light from her body. Motorforge peered through his spyglass again, noting movement on the deck. Distant shouts could be heard. He gave a curt nod to Kedia, who picked up a voice-amplification tube, and shouted through it: "Attention, Sharkbait! Crew of the Grubby Dungaree! Prepare to be boarded, 'cuz We're a'takin' the ship! Surrender or die! Surrender AND die!"

C. C. and Butterlump were loading a barrel into the catapult. Motorforge hopped over, calibrated the trajectory, and they all stepped back as the barrel launched towards the Dungaree. It arced through the air and crashed down on the deck, breaking open and splashing its payload across the ship: truffle oil.

After a few cries of alarm, laughter could be heard coming from the Dungaree. More pirates appeared on deck, and torch sconces were lit, and steel flashed in the night. Sabers rattling and jeers ensued from the larger ship, the pirates were unintimidated, as Motorforge reset the catapult.

"Just the warning shot!" Kedia cried out. "Last chance, Dungmongers!"

C. C. had coaxed Snortleby into the launcher next, then clambered onto his back and reached down to help Butterlump aboard. Motorforge let fly the latch, and off they flew! The gnome watched them sail through the air, and reset the launcher once again.

Just prior to impact, Butterlump surrounded them with a shield of pure mana. The mana ball crashed into the deck, skidded into a netted rack of crates, and shimmered away. Dungaree pirates turned and stared, expecting a flaming barrel or cannonball, not two goblins and a pig. Snortleby staggered to his feet, and gave a snort. The boar's eyes widened, and he snuffled furiously; he'd caught a whiff of his absolutely, bestest favoritey thing in the world: truffle oil. The beast gave a roar of insane glee, as C. C. slapped his rump and sent him forth with a shriek. Pirates, futilely preparing themselves for battle, were bowled over as the great pig barreled across the deck, biting arms and faces and anything the oil had touched.

Some were frozen in their tracks, or set aflame, and peppered with arrows, as the two goblins began to attack. Many of those who seemed a threat for the Plunderblood found themselves well-blinded, as the balloon Pashi directed beams of light into their eyes via the reflection of a shiny coin.

Belaena had climbed into the catapult next, and Motorforge sent her on her way. The elf sailed through the air, and came crashing down amidst a crowd of the pirates trying to regroup. They looked at the thin elf prostrate on the deck, stunned. The pirates laughed, assuming her dead. The laughter turned to gasps and horror as they stepped back, in surprise as she suddenly leapt to her feet, unslung an axe from her back, and took a swing at the nearest buccaneer. This unfortunate fool was nearly decapitated, gout of blood spraying from his neck, as he stumbled back, head hanging by a thread, and collapsed. The elf gave a chilling, lilting laugh, as the blood flowed from the deck to seep into the various sc#%*@s and cuts on Belaena's skin.

She was upon them, swinging with vicious delight, draining their very life force for her own. A forearm flew here, half of a face there. Some yelled in anger, and came at her, blades clumsily swinging, some hitting, and cutting. Each wound however, seemed to close as soon as she hacked into her next victim, and those that dared to run away were met by fireball, or a stream of icy magic, or an arrow or five, or a Snortleby in full truffle ragephoria.

There was little hope for the drowsy pirates, who, though outnumbered their attacked, were clearly out-skilled.

The rowboat floated still toward the larger ship, uncared for by the pirates, who seemed well enough occupied by problems on the deck.

Sagemane lifted his bow off the surface of the boat, plucking the string gingerly in inspection. He pulled an arrow from his quiver, nocked, and loosed. He repeated this: Nock, loose, nock, loose. Each of the three arrows embedded themselves next to three separate round metal doors on the side of the ship; porthole covers. Each arrow exploded within a second's succession of another, knocking the metal porthole doors clean off of the whole of the ship.

Three leapt from the rowboat: the fluffy-bearded Khazmodas Motorforge, the slightly taller Tarkalk Blitzbuckler, and the slender, ghostly Nancine, the forsaken woman. Each seemed to tread on the water itself, moving with madly fast speed, and scurrying up the side of the ship. Each took their entrance through a rough porthole, left to right respectively as named, and were inside the ship.

Soon Kedia's rowboat had come up closer still to the ship. She slung a grapple around her hand, sending it up to the deck, and anchoring onto it. Cutlass clamped in her teeth, up to the deck she began to climb, as Sagemane gave a quick arrow to any he could spy upon the deck, or those who jumped from the deck; whether they were feeling to attack the rowboat, or swim away in fear, was unknown, and uncared for.
The fighting had died down somewhat. Belaena's boot on a neck as she freed her axe from a forehead, Snortleby harrying a pair of pirates in a corner, Butterlump avoiding a saber swing by turning the pirate into a sheep. Coinclamp was monkeying her way up to the crow's nest, shouting something about a lucky arrow. Kedia hopped onto the deck, and slapped the flat of her blade on her shield. "Come on out, Boldtusk, ya doomed hornswoggler!"

The door to the captain's cabin exploded into splinters, as a very large and very angry orc booted his way out in a rage. Boldtusk, wearing a chain-mail vest and leather pantaloons, brandishing two claymores in each of his huge hands, roared, charging Kedia....

The Blood Princess madly laughed to herself, crying out to all. "Thar she blows!"

Below deck, a trio of rogues quickly shuffled about, snuffing out lanterns with a quick strike, and darkness fell within. The pitter-patter of small footsteps was quickly drowned out by the shrieks of pirates as blades met their innards. Only those that had looked apt to fight had hands from the shadows cut throats or stab backs. The buccaneers swung around blindly in the shadows, to little avail, as all their blades ever connected with was the steel of their foes. Some laid down weapons and cowered, receiving only a quick blow to the head, to be bound hand and foot at a later time.

Through the ship, room by room the assassins made, until the main treasure trove was reached. The door's locks were undone with a simple explosive charge, and the door was thrown wide, revealing the ship's First Mate was inside, stuffing his pockets with gold and gems and loading sacks with candlesticks and sundries; Yes, First Mate Lenondriel "Lone Eye" Dawnharbor was looting the loot, looking to abscond with his life and a purse.

Though he turned to meet gaze with his foes, but found none, and rather, from behind him, heard a raspy whisper, "Going somewhere, are you?" His spine chilled and he whirled about, one eye widening, to see Nancine skulking behind him.

She raised her daggers, but her head was down, face hidden by her stringy hair. The elf charged her, one hand wielding a dirk, the other, reaching for his eye patch. She deflected his strike, and looked up, as he ripped the eye patch away with a triumphant "Ha-HA!" The hidden capsule of blinding powder under the patch popped, spraying the Forsaken full in the face....The elf's confidence was premature, and wavered, as Nancine, skeletally grinning, stood unaffected, and eyeless. "No...", she rasped. "You won't be going anywhere..."

Lone Eye ripped his sword from its scabbard. "Then with my superior swordplay I'll cut ye down, husk!" he cried, and started forward, and stopped short, gurgling, as Tarkalk was suddenly upon him with garrote. The sword fell and clattered as Lone Eye frantically and futilely clawed at his neck. Tark pulled, and grinned, and whispered in his ear, "We'll see who's a husk by dawn, yeh?" Lone Eye gagged, and saw spots, then a strange tunneling of his final vision: a gnome standing in the doorway, with bound pirates in tow.

Kedia used her shield to deflect the first flurry of blows from the wild orc, but he was immensely strong, and her arm began to numb. Belaena started forward at a break in the action, but Kedia waved her away. "Stay back, all o' ya..."
So the Plunderblood crew stood back, some putting those for whom it was too late out of their misery, others binding those that surrendered, as Kedia and Boldtusk squared off.

Kedia chanted a song whimsically as she battled, "...A major payoff we cannot afford! We live only for the gold we hoard! Hunted down by Plunder lords! Ya’r spending life at the end of a sword!..."

"Stupid goblin!" roared the orc, annoyed by Kedia's arrogance. "Boldtusk will eat your bowels and use your skull as a chamber pot!" He screamed in rage and came at her again. Kedia parried, and blocked, and sidestepped, as appropriate, and got in close, slashing the orc across the knee. He howled, leaping back.

Kedia cackled, "Y'know, I've heard better threats from a scrawny human girl, ya lame guppy. An' too dumb t' surrender, just like I thought!" The orc raged at her once more, a whirlwind of steel. She was hard pressed, but stood her ground, and, at an opportune moment, deflected his right sword into the deck, striking it near the hilt, breaking it. "Yoho!" shouted the goblin.

The orc grunted, hopped away, and tossed his offhand to his right hand, pulling a dagger from his belt. "You tire, little goblin. You will be mine, and I will feed your crew to the sharks!"

Kedia gave a shout, and threw her shield as a disc (as it did brandish spikes along the edge), but the orc swatted it aside, and laughed. He held his arms wide. "You are no match for me!"

At this, Kedia howled, and sprinted at him, sword raised- a fool's move, for sure... if she had intended to go through with it. As she neared, and would have swung with blind fury- had she been a fool- she stopped short, and Boldtusk's sword sank into the deck. Kedia leapt past, tucking and rolling, scooping up her shield, spinning and bashing him in the back. He stumbled forward, and scrambled to regain his balance, turning and slashing with the dagger. Kedia lopped off his hand at the wrist. "Ye' right about one thing," she said as he howled. "I ain't no match for you." She bashed his face with the shield, and he sank to his knees, stunned. "I'm BETTA'." She stabbed him through the chest then, and the orc looked down, surprised at the gout of his heartsblood spurting forth.

Kedia advanced calmly, "And I'll be feedin' MY crew-" She swung mightily, lopping off the orc's head, "-from YOUR skull." The head flew into the air, caught through the eye by the blade of Motorforge.

"PLUNDERBLOOD!" Her deck and boat crew cheered, as Nancine and Tarkalk stood in the doorway from below.

Kedia, panting with exertion, smiled at those assembled, plopping down for a well-deserved sit.

Pashi floated down, and rushed over to Kedia, covering her face with kisses and nagging, "Of all tha crazy, harebrained, ya almos' got GUTTED Keds, ya nut-"

"Hush, Pash...."

Pashi bled soothing light over Kedia. "Always playin' hero! What am I gunna DO with ya..."

"Pash. We DID it. It's over. Calm down...."

[Some few hours after taking the ship, somewhere in the Great Sea]

"The lot o' ya are cowards, an' if you thought that bein' one was gonna buy ya life, y'were wrong! Best hope ya find some bananas! Yoho!" Was the last thing from Kedia'as mouth that the remaining pirates would ever hear, as they were marooned on an island somewhere in the south seas. The orcish slogan "Victory or death" was one believed in by the Plunderblood, and cowardice called for punishment.

The stranded pirates might have wished that they'd put up a fight, as their captors showed them no mercy, and made show of their sailing away in the ship that was once the Grubby Dungaree, but now, part of the Plunderblood fleet.

Perhaps they thought about their captain, who in hiding from combat, they betrayed, and left to the blades of the Plunderblood crew. Though they had seen what befell the body of their captain (Kedia kicking his headless body off the starboard bow, laughing and exclaiming "Sharkbait!"), they knew not of what waited in store for the rest of him: his skull gilded and used as a chalice, as a part of the Cartel's own barbaric rituals.

The ship faded into the distance, as the ex-crew looked around at each other, unsure of what to do, unsure of their fate. Whatever their fate, however, the sight of what was once their life fading into the distance, as well as their newfound hatred for Blitzbuckler and her crew, remained embedded in their memories until the end of their days.

THE END
(for the battered pirates, anyhow)

Yarr.

{Written and edited collaboratively by Silversplint and Blitzbuckler}