Goblins, a basic primer.
By ArchDruid Plainswander
NOTE: It has come to my attention that there has been some slander and misinformation being spread about our small green brethren. So I thought this would be an opportune time to clear a few things up (This is mostly a repost of an earlier article I wrote, with some strategic updates for relevancy...)
Exploding When Punted:
Some say that Goblins don't explode when punted, this is actually TRUE. The whole "explodes when kicked" notion is a myth perpetrated by the goblins themselves to prevent preemptive puntery. However, it should be noted that Goblins do possess a marked affinity for spikes and duct tape, so punting one, without proper prep, may result in an angry goblin stuck to your leg. This is in no way a fun event. It is also worth noting that while the goblin itself will NOT explode (as demonstrated by kicking an unconscious nude goblin), many goblins willingly wear highly volatile and impact sensitive gear, which DOES explode at the drop of a hat...or boot.
Goblin vs. Gnomish Puntability
It should come as no surprise that of the two "itty bitty cutesypoo" races, Goblins are in fact the far more aerodynamic. Their ears, their noses, the wide flat lifting surfaces in their hands, all contribute to Goblins have far far greater "up time" when punted than their Gnomish cousins. Of course, the downside to this is that if you unwisely kick a goblin, you may find the little freak banking around in a glide and slapping you silly with those oversized mitts.
"Explodes on Impact"
They don't. This is a misconception caused by a goblins oftentimes extremely "intimate" relationship with explosives. But what they DO do is pretty darn scary. Goblins, alone among the races of Azeroth (with the exception of certain Un'Goro slimes) reproduce via parthenogensis, that is to say, macrobiotic cell division. Chop a Goblin in half and you don't just get a somewhat smelly stain, you get two smaller goblins. (How else do you think they survived the 3rd war? Or the cataclysm? Or Goblin business practices in general? I mean really....) Jumping on a grenade is a fertility rite for goblins.
Goblin Stupidity
It's true, Goblins aren't as smart as they used to be. It' obvious when you see one named "LolCashMuneeXX" that something is wrong. But even in their currently diminished state, goblins are far from stupid. The only creatures smarter than goblins are gnomes, but it's an extremely close call. Goblins have probably gotten a reputation as "less than bright" because of their second greatest failing (after greed), their dreadfully scattered attention span. They're all over the place, idea here, idea there, and seconds to spare before the next one comes charging in. The only thing that focuses a goblin's lightning-charged mind other than greed is anger. Which, coincidentally, is the usual result of punting one.
On The Edibility of Goblins
Goblins are YUMMY. It's something having to do with the Azerothian Law of Inverse Deliciousness, which states that how tasty you are is directly related to your stature in a inverse ratio. This is why nobody REALLY likes Tauren burgers, no matter how much they may claim otherwise. The challenge comes in when you consider that Goblins are big fans of body modification, electronics, volatile materials technology (a.k.a. exploding stuff up real good), and hiding stuff in weird places. When you never know if that sweetmeat you're about to chomp down on has a blasting cap in it or not, things can get kinda dicey.
Conclusion
Given all this, it can be stated that while Goblin punting and/or consumption IS in fact possible, it is extremely ill advised. Gnome punting is a sport, Goblin punting is something depressed teens do to worry their mothers. Eating Gnomes is an art and science. Eating Goblins is like gambling with your eyes closed.
Save your kneecaps, punt a gnome.
By ArchDruid Plainswander
NOTE: It has come to my attention that there has been some slander and misinformation being spread about our small green brethren. So I thought this would be an opportune time to clear a few things up (This is mostly a repost of an earlier article I wrote, with some strategic updates for relevancy...)
Exploding When Punted:
Some say that Goblins don't explode when punted, this is actually TRUE. The whole "explodes when kicked" notion is a myth perpetrated by the goblins themselves to prevent preemptive puntery. However, it should be noted that Goblins do possess a marked affinity for spikes and duct tape, so punting one, without proper prep, may result in an angry goblin stuck to your leg. This is in no way a fun event. It is also worth noting that while the goblin itself will NOT explode (as demonstrated by kicking an unconscious nude goblin), many goblins willingly wear highly volatile and impact sensitive gear, which DOES explode at the drop of a hat...or boot.
Goblin vs. Gnomish Puntability
It should come as no surprise that of the two "itty bitty cutesypoo" races, Goblins are in fact the far more aerodynamic. Their ears, their noses, the wide flat lifting surfaces in their hands, all contribute to Goblins have far far greater "up time" when punted than their Gnomish cousins. Of course, the downside to this is that if you unwisely kick a goblin, you may find the little freak banking around in a glide and slapping you silly with those oversized mitts.
"Explodes on Impact"
They don't. This is a misconception caused by a goblins oftentimes extremely "intimate" relationship with explosives. But what they DO do is pretty darn scary. Goblins, alone among the races of Azeroth (with the exception of certain Un'Goro slimes) reproduce via parthenogensis, that is to say, macrobiotic cell division. Chop a Goblin in half and you don't just get a somewhat smelly stain, you get two smaller goblins. (How else do you think they survived the 3rd war? Or the cataclysm? Or Goblin business practices in general? I mean really....) Jumping on a grenade is a fertility rite for goblins.
Goblin Stupidity
It's true, Goblins aren't as smart as they used to be. It' obvious when you see one named "LolCashMuneeXX" that something is wrong. But even in their currently diminished state, goblins are far from stupid. The only creatures smarter than goblins are gnomes, but it's an extremely close call. Goblins have probably gotten a reputation as "less than bright" because of their second greatest failing (after greed), their dreadfully scattered attention span. They're all over the place, idea here, idea there, and seconds to spare before the next one comes charging in. The only thing that focuses a goblin's lightning-charged mind other than greed is anger. Which, coincidentally, is the usual result of punting one.
On The Edibility of Goblins
Goblins are YUMMY. It's something having to do with the Azerothian Law of Inverse Deliciousness, which states that how tasty you are is directly related to your stature in a inverse ratio. This is why nobody REALLY likes Tauren burgers, no matter how much they may claim otherwise. The challenge comes in when you consider that Goblins are big fans of body modification, electronics, volatile materials technology (a.k.a. exploding stuff up real good), and hiding stuff in weird places. When you never know if that sweetmeat you're about to chomp down on has a blasting cap in it or not, things can get kinda dicey.
Conclusion
Given all this, it can be stated that while Goblin punting and/or consumption IS in fact possible, it is extremely ill advised. Gnome punting is a sport, Goblin punting is something depressed teens do to worry their mothers. Eating Gnomes is an art and science. Eating Goblins is like gambling with your eyes closed.
Save your kneecaps, punt a gnome.
