World of Warcraft®

* The barroom doors slam open and in staggers possibly the largest chicken anyone has ever seen.... *

HOOT! *hack hack cough* HOOTHOOOOOOT!

* the enormous bird pulls a sloshing bottle with a picture of three cavorting mice on it from somewhere beaneath his feathers, and takes a long pull form the specially beak-tailored spout *

Hoot? Chirplechirp? RAWWWWK-K-K! Rawk? hooo...

**FWOMP**
* The chicken explodes mid-utterance in a poof of feathers and dust. When the debris clears, standing in the middle of the bar is a enormous tauren wearing a purple suit, and what appears to be the parts of ancient insects on his head and shoulders *

....oooooDAWGGY Ah'm feelin mighty tore up! Oh...whoah, looks like I finally done made it home! SheeeeeeOOT! It shore is good ta be back.

Folks, you would not BELIEVE where I been, I tell you what. Someone git me a drink, this here bottles empty, an' I'm a tell you alll about it....

(YAY! We're back, and I am too!)
(EDIT: Oh fiddlesticks, I forgot to log out in my forumgear, AGAIN...)

*THUD*
The somewhat oversized tankard of Dwarven Stout lands in front of Plainswanbder, and the big Tauren pulls happily, froth giving his snout a merry beer-stache.

Ahhhhhh, that're the stuff. Ain't got much of this where I been.

So, ah promised you folks a story, and I reckon I better git to it, no time like now an' all that hoohah.

It all starts a couple years back, afore any of this here scourge nonsense happened, right before we all took flight ter outland and fightin them demons and whatnot.

I were minding my own business, sneaking around in Stormwind, like I do, finding all those lil' hole-in-the wall places wut ain't afeared of servin' folks like me, when I was spotted. Dunno how or why, but the city patrol got wind of my presence, and they started a whole witchhunt for me right then and there.

So I run through Stormwind, lookin fer any port in a Storm (har har, little location based humor there....), when I come cross that old waterin' hole the Slaughtered Lamb. Now, I knows that place ain't the tidiest, and it ain't the safest, and there's a distinct scent of Fel about it, but it had one aspect to it that were ideal for my current predicament. It was just LOUSY with bolt holes, hiding spots, and empty wine barrels that were perfect fer tuckin a worried kitty in. And the clientele, well, they weren't any keener on The Watch coming in than I was. So in I went.

I managed to git to the basement without being spotted, and secured what looked to be my sleepin spot for the next day or two inside a huge old oak barrel. It still had a few inches of brandy in the bottom, but I've slept in worse. Why, back in the old AAMS days, once I slept in a half empty vat of packaging adhesive .... it were either that, or let the Gobbos find me ... but I'm digressin'.

Anyway, I curled up and settled in to wait out the Pinkies. Day turned ta night, and then, in the wee hours of the next morning, I was woken by what sounded like a bottle bein emptied into a roaring fire.

I opened my eys, and what did I see? There were this green and silver glow comin from just outside my hiding place. I peeked out, and there, floatin in the middle of what I had come ot think of as "my" cellar, was what looked fer all the world like one of them SPirit Healers we all knows so well. Cepting she weren't smilin.

"PLAINNNNSWANNNDER!" she shrieked, pointin right at me ... and I knew right then and there, I were in deep doodoo.

"Plainnnnswanderrrrr! Youuuu has been founnnnnd guillllllltttteeeeeeee! And shall now be sentenced for yourrrrr crimmmmmees!"

And before I could even git me a word in edgewise, she wiggled that long pointed claw of a finger, and KAZAM! Away I done went. I woke up, some hours later, but it weren't in no place I'd ever seen or heard tell of before in all my life. It were...somewhere else....

And one I git me another drink, I'm a tell you all about THAT...

"Perhaps another drink, miss? Yes, but it shall not be for me -- our mystical friend appears deserving."

**The Barmaid sets something fruity and elven down in front of the big bull, and he stares down at it blearily**

Well blow me down and call me Sally! Is this here wut I think it is? *sniff sniff*

A Quel'Dorei Floral PunchBloomer! I ain't had one of these in..oh shoot, I ain't never had one of these! I heard of 'em though, said the makins of 'em was lost when them elfs gave up arcane. Who in this here bar teached ya how ter make one of these?

Anyway...whoever passed this along Missy barmaid, do sends em my sincerest thankee-yous!

Who let this miscreant back on the forums!

**The cat druid covers its face with its paw**

Now there is an old sight.

*lifts up a drink* Welcome back.

*the big bull nods to the assembled folks, knocks back his QuelDorei Floral PunchBloomer, and continues with his tale....*

So there I was, jest havin been fried by a spirit healer with a real nasty mad on, and not knowin nuthin bout where I was, where I was headed, or ven, well, or even wut ah was there fer in the first place.

All I knew when I come too was that it were grey. Grey all around me, grey above me, grey below me, and a strange grey feelin inside of me....

*At this point, the old Tauren throws his head back and bellows a long echoing "HOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHHHH!!!" and flowrs burst into bloom all around his feet....*

...whoodawggy, I do declare, them drinks, they got a real kick to 'em .... BARMAID! Fetch me another one of the pretty little skullcrushers, the elfy ones, wouldja?

Anyway, as I were sayin, grey grey grey. SO, I did what any self respecting clueless critter would do, I lit out walkin. Didn't really have any particular direction in mind, just knew if I kept going I was bound to git somewhere, somewhen.

And git somewhere I did. Weren't long, or maybe it was long, I can't rightly remember now, afore I came to a new feature of the landscape. And by "new feature" I means it were the end of the landscape. The grey started to clear as I kept walking, and I realized, I were up on a big ole floatin rock. Way up in the sky, and there was nuthin between me and a real long fall except a little sign, and that sign read "do you know why you are here?".

And, of course, ah surely didn't. But I sure as heck was gonna find out....
...now, what's takin my drink so long?

* The cat just covers its face with its paws once more, in an effort to drown out the tauren.*

*snickers* Someone hurry up and get this guy a round, I need to hear more!

*snaps his fingers to get someone's attention*

This Tauren needs another round of whatever he's been having.

And make it a double, he looks parched.

**Looks down, blinks twice**

HOORAY! BEER!

**rubs eyes to make sure the Floral PunchBlooms haven't started making him see things**

HOORAY! TWO BEERS!

Reckon I better keep on with this here tale then, wouldn't want the river of *hic* booze to stop now would I?

So there I was, one cryptic sign in front of me, and several thousand feet of empty space below me, and a whole muck of questions inside me. So I did the only reasonable thing, I grabbed the sign, and jumped off the edge of the floatin' island and began to plummet to my supposed doom.

Ah stop lookin so worried, I'm just funnin' ya, I'm a druid, we don't plummet. Leastwise, not unless we wants to. I sprouted me some wings and lit out flyin, lookin' fer the nearest settlement. Turns out, it were a town fulla them brown orcs (pleasant people, all in all, if a little rough-and-tumble at times...but I'm digressin' again). I lit down in the main town circle, and started askin' around. There had to be someone who sen somethin', after all, the wood used fer the sign looked fresh an' local (don't ask how I knowed this, it're a druid thing), and the ink was still wet when I found it, so, there had to be SOME chance someone had remarked on something.

And, as luck would have it, there was. Turns out the OrcLady who was selling Talbuks had seen what she thought were some kind of flaming spirit woman go haring off across the sky not a day ago. Headed east she said, and she pointed me in the direction she remembered seein the spirit go. "You best be careful BirdMooBear." she said "That way is the way of the ancestral spirits. And they do NOT like to be disturbed. Go with honor and respect, or do not go at all....". Pretty standard stuff I thought to meself, these folks always think everything is about "Serious Honor" and "Big Important Speeches", I didn't pay it much mind (although, in retrospect, maybe I shoulda), and off I went.

Well, I flew on my way, lookin for the Angel with the Answers (or so I hoped). Over hills and canyons, lakes and rives I flew. And as I flew I noticed more and more of the land around me. There were little settlements here and there, of all species, Ogres, Orcs, some dudes what looked almost like satyrs, except they was all bald and wrinkly, and even some really weird fellas what was nothing but energy and bandages. And to a one, each and every settlement looked like it was under attack. Defensive positions were in place, the citizenry was armed and worries, and everything looked like it was ready for war, but, as far as I could see, there wasn't nobody ACTUALLY invading.... mighty odd, mighty odd indeed.

It weren't till I spied me the HUGE white crystal punchin up outta the ground that I realized where all the invaders were. Rank upon rank of them, hundreds, maybe even thousands, of disembodied spirits, trolls, orcs, tauren, humans, gnomes, you name it. They was all surrounding the giant crystal, all in spectral chains, and all jest waitin. For something. And there, right smack in the middle of them, was the Green Angel, lookin jest as angry and unpleasant as the last time I done seen her.....

This, this was about to get "complicated".....

"If he wants more, send over one of those dwarven lagers...I need to hear the end of this one."

(Soundtrack for the following bit: Alabama3: Exile on Coldharbour Lane, gotta keep right with the classics now...)

Whooo...pardon me folks, I think I'm gettin' a little disequilibriated....*hic*

Is the floor movin' for anyone else? or is it just me? Whoop! There she goes agin!

So yup, as I was saying, "complicated". After all, I were just one fellow, one slightly clueless fellow at that, with a sign and a habit of switching shapes at inopportune moments, and she were one P.O'ed greenish blue angel with what looked to be a whole host of damned and banished souls at her beck and call. Looked at sensibly, I wouldn't have put much money on my chances, no sirree. Course, I can't remember last time I looked at something sensibly.... and y'all keep gittin me drinks like this one, I won't have to for quite some time neither. But I'm gittin off topic again, back to the matter at hand..er..paw...claw.......oh shoot, you knows what I mean.

I was runnin out of options, gittin closer all the time. I knowed she done noticed me, as she'd started up that gods-awful shriekin again. So, I done did the only thing what seemed sensible to me at the time. I grabbed that old sign tighter in my claws, let out the mostest fearsome "CAW" my beak could let out, and bear-dived straight into the middle of the whole mess of gathered troubles arrayed before me. And if that sounds like a lot, it surely is meant to.

Now, spirits is mighty scary, this is true as truth gets, but something folks don't never think of is that spirits, for all their terrifying visages and howling voices, well, they don't weigh much at-all. And when you got a tonne and a half of poorly-thought-out bear meat coming in on a ballistical trajectory from way up on high, well, y'ever play that Gnomish game "20 pins and a blasting cap"? Y'see, ye gots these 20 object, kinda tall and thin, and ten of em got explosives in the bottom. And the object of the game is to toss a activated blasting cap into the middle of em, and get as many of them as you can to explode. You gits more points the more of them sticks in the ceiling, and...well, ya get the idea.

Turns out spirits is just like pins when bears is involved. They just went flying every which way. Orcs, humans, tauren and gnomes. Even what looked like a couple of skinny little elfs with green eyes, and a blue demon or six. A real mess, and that's truth. I kept right on skidding through them like some giant hairy snowplow, diggin up a mighty huge furrow of dirt, rocks, and crystal, until I done comed to a stop right at the feet of the angel herself.

She'd back up till she was backed up against the crystal itself, and as I looked up at her, gettin all ready to spring, she shrieked "Guilty! Guilllty! GUILLLTEEEE! BANISHED! BANNNNNNISSSSSHHHHED! BE GONE! GUILLLLLTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE -----*"

This last cut off cause I done stuffed my paw in her face, gentle like of course, I'm a gentleman an' all, but shushed her up nonetheless.

"Now ma'am" I done said.. "Now ma'am, I can see yer plenty upset, but would you mind telling me jest why it is you done left me up there, on that rock, with no knowing of what it was I done? Or wut my ding dang nbame is? Or where in the nine furry hells I am?"

With that I took my paw away from her face, and hoped to heck she weren't about to zap me to someplace even more inconvenient.....

*Sips from his mug*

*Stares at the wall*

well, ye'd think since I done asked her all polite like to have a conversation 'bout what were buggin her so, that that there angel lady woulda jumped at the chance fer a little rational discourse, but no, such were not to be.

Instead she glared at me, her spectral eyes blazing, and hissed something about me "disturbin the natcheral order and flow of community" and brought her wings around right onto my head. And here's a little tip for you folks, angel wings? They hits HARD.

For the next few seconds my vision went all flibbertygibbet, and there was a ringing like you'd never hear again if ya heard once in my ears, and then everything just sorta went black. I don't know what happened next, but if I had my guess, I'd say it lasted a heck of a lot longer than I remember it lastin, because when I woke up, I was laying, alone again, in the middle of what appeared to be a glacier.

I had vague memories of someone who looked an awful lot like me running about, but muzzled, fighting demons and poisoned elfs, and all manner of other craziness. There were something about apples and motorcycles and an endless quest ta git me a tiny little sporebat and polar bear too. (Now why'n the nine hells would I want me a sporebat? Them things is jest CREEPY I tell ya...)

But memories or no memories, I was where I was, and I figgered I oughtter git my bearing right quicklike, lest I wind up lunch fer something bigger than me. I mostly came to this conclusion because off in the distance I could see what appeared to be a humongous dragon flyin towards me...a dead one at that....

...and giant dead dragons what ain't laid down yet is just NEVER good news.

*Stops even pretending to pay attention the the human paladin she was listening to and flips her chair around so she is leaning on the back of the chair and facing this strange drunken druid*

*snags a passing barmaid* "Waitress, I know you have a barrel of Darkmoon Special Reserve in the cellar, Set it on his table and put it on my tab"

*Happily orders the Brigade to 'shut up you lots!! and flips round to pay attention to Plains' tale*

(( Oh how I've missed these stories :) ))
*grins and grabs a mug of the bar, dropping a few silver as pay. Walks over and sits, hoisting his feet up comfortably to listen.*

Gentyl walked in the door and waited for her eyes to adjust to the dimness. Even with the partial blindness, she would recognize that bellow anywhere.

PLainswander is back? Well, thank the Light. He's one of the few horde who weren't trying to kill her all the time.

"Bartender, can you send that bull over there another drink? As a matter of fact, just keep them coming."

Maybe he would forget the incident in the Barrens with the blown up mail delivery machine if he was drunk.